Four Negative Patterns that Predict Divorce

Watch the video Four Negative Patterns that Predict Divorce, an interview with Dr. John Gottman on the Anderson Cooper Show.

When couples step into the marriage stage, they fear divorce. So fearful, they try their best to avoid arguments and superfluous bickering. Surprisingly, the number one thing couples fight about is absolutely nothing. When married, arguments just seem to happen and as human, you start to fight about something little that escalates into something much larger than what intended. According to Dr. John Gottman, when arguing, couples should always avoid saying: “You never ...” and “You always ...”. He also mentions when arguing to never try and be more superior than your partner because this really shows you personality and it may add more fuel to the flame. 

Dr. Gottman also explains the four factors that can help lead to divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He explains to never criticize while arguing because criticism fuels the argument and just leads to nothing but going back and forth with bashing each other. Contempt on the other hand, is just completely making a mockery of your partner. Dr. Gottman explains that contempt gives the attacker more power or the upper-hand. Studies have also shown that contempt is damaging to one’s health. The third factor, defensiveness, seems to be the most common. Defensiveness allows the couple to not take responsibility for their actions of either side. In result, the couple is being stubborn, going back and forth blaming each other for their actions instead of owning up and trying to fix it. Last, Dr. Gottman describes stonewalling and how annoying it can be. Stonewalling is mostly done by men and during the process, they are trying to calm down. Stonewalling is the male version of “space” but in reality, all it does is upset the other partner who has a point to prove. Continuously, this leads to nothing but frustration on both parties because the one doing the stonewalling thought they were doing the right thing, but the partner on the other side feels as if they aren’t being taken serious.